Growth of Faith

In my reflection about my faith, I can say that I am now in transition between Individuative and Conjunctive stage of faith growth. In tracing my faith growth, I can start from my childhood, from when my parents nurtured me in Catholic beliefs. My father was an ex-seminarian and lay minister; the factor that influenced my desire to become a priest when I was still in high school. During my high school, I joined the Catechists team in our local parish, joined the Catholic Youth Ministry and Knights of the Altar. These organizations somehow, I realized, that they influenced my understanding and belief as I keep on growing in my faith. That was my conventional stage. Time came for me to ask for permission to enter the Diocesan seminary and that was with the influence of my teachers and classmates. But to my dismay, I was not permitted and told to proceed in college instead. So I did.

I started questioning my faith during my college life. Maybe it was an unconscious search for my fate as a human being and my existence. I studied different books about mythology and philosophies though they were different subjects from my course which is science related industrial subjects. I was asking myself if where am I leading and why at that early age I had, I always ask questions that seek for answer regarding my own beliefs. I questioned about God’s existence; where God is and how he exists around me. An old, uncovered booklet I found at my boarding hose entitled, “You are God”, somehow influenced my mind that I can be a god in by living in a state where I am well aware of my existence. I even started preaching my family members that I can be a god. Imagining that experience I had makes me conclude that it was really a crises of my identity and how close or aware I was with myself. I tried to join some organizations that I believed can give answers to my questions. I joined the World Union of Deists, a monotheist organization that believes in God one who is also different from the Christian God, for they defend their god from the Christian Bible. I also joined the Freethought Perspective of the Atheist organization based in Ontario. But my quest for answer to the vague questions I had was in vain for they didn’t able to answer me. I let the days and months pass, graduating my college course just like an ordinary student. I seldom went to attend Mass during weekdays and Sundays, and focused myself in reflecting on the way I always did….being alone and feeling unique. I had no community that time which I realized now to be important and beneficial in my faith growth. While I was working then I Davao, I still wanted to grow and be affiliated to the organizations that always lead me to enlightenment but unfortunately, I was not able to be helped. Being with the businessmen and entrepreneur lead me to a mature life of relating to other people but lacking in being intimate to myself, being at home to my own beliefs. I easily saw myself hopping from one organization to another. At least they became community for me and help me more mature in a real world of career.

One day, as I was spending the time waiting for our cargo ship to dock, I made myself comfortable in front of our office facing at the sea; it was midnight and started to reflect where I was already in my life as a young professional. I had a job, subordinates, social life at night and commitments. But those became useless when I recalled my longing to become a priest. After sometime, I went home a visited my family, there I found a vocation brochure which I responded just for a curiosity. That day started another day of my life’s chapter. I visited the Marist community and talk about myself and about my “faith” to the vocation director. From that time on, I was able to say that my soul will rest in peace with the choice I am going to make.

And now, in this moment of my life, there are still remnants of my faith that I can say, product of my early formation from my own family. That my parents’ faith was passed to me by going to Mass every Sunday with them, by believing them of what are bad and good, doing the god things according to what was pleasing to them for me. I even believed to the power and magical stories of the Bible. Yet, that time of my adolescent years made me question everything and now, ready to receive new commitments in life based on my belief. I made myself available by professing my vows, more than what ordinary men have. This is more important to me as how I see it now. Living my faith doesn’t mean a possession I have but a state which I am going to live. Sometimes, this transition is so obvious that sometimes I still question how credible my reflections are and how deep are my discernments in terms of my relationship to God and doing the work of the Kingdom of God.